I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
