if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
