he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Less talking, more tequila
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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