I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dignity is for republicans.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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