I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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