How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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