Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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