Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
