apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
