meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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