in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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