Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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