Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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