Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
