I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
