I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I still have a little drunk in my system
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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