so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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