I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
