i love accidental penises.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
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The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
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Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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