The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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