Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
