If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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