What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
