Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
This is the high leading the old right now
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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