i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
