i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
