I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
