Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
