It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
