Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
