She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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