Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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