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When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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