I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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