my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
People in love make me want to vomit
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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