Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
