so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
