if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
