I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
