Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
