so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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