Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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