why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
