I am in a vortex of obligation.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
