You smell like a Billy Joel song
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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