I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
