What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
