ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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