I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
