Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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